The Holidays are upon us! These times can be opportunities for family, food, and heartfelt connections—but let’s be real, they’re also ripe arenas for tense conversations that can derail the best of gatherings. Before you dive into a battle over politics or who gets to carve the turkey, consider using the G.R.A.C.E. model. It’s five easy steps to help you navigate any sticky conversations with more grace and ease.
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The G.R.A.C.E. model stands for:
Ground Yourself and the Conversation
Right Channel
Attend to Their Perspective
Co-Create Solutions
End With Commitments
Let’s say you're at Thanksgiving dinner, and a family member expresses a strong political opinion you deeply disagree with. Or vice versa - you say something you feel any sane person would agree with, and they disagree with you, strongly and loudly. The conversation gets heated and you want to approach it constructively instead of escalating the conflict.
Ground Yourself and the Conversation
In any conversation, at any moment, we have choices: We can react, or we can pause. Before heading into a conversation that we know might be difficult, it’s a good idea to ground yourself: Why are you engaging in this conversation? What are your goals, needs and objectives? Can you align with your conversational partners on shared goals and objectives of the conversation?
Applying Grace:
Try to reset the tone by shifting the ground (or the why) of the conversation from winning the argument to maintaining respect.
"I can see this is an issue we both care deeply about. I’d like us to talk about it in a way that helps us understand each other better."
Establish shared values if possible:
"We’re all here because we care about family and spending time together."
Right Channel
Often, I find that arguments can get heated if they are happening in the wrong place - text messaging, emails, slack - are all places where reduced context can get conversations off track and spiraling out. But the dinner table, with the whole family watching? That might not be the best venue for a full-on political debate. That venue is on the PBS News hour!
Applying Grace: Ask to change the channel
Suggest a calmer, lower-stakes one-on-one conversation later, if you really want to get to the bottom of things and do some deep canvassing:
"I think this topic deserves more attention than we can give it over dinner. Can we talk more about this after dessert or on a walk after the meal?"
If they refuse to shift the conversation to later, think of “channel” in an even broader way - change the channel from the “facts” channel to the “feelings and stories” channel. Research shows that, unfortunately, facts don’t change minds, so get them to share some stories instead.
"Maybe we can both share why this issue matters to us without trying to change anyone’s mind right now…
When did you first start thinking about this issue in this way?”
Using a “time shift” question like this is a great approach to get out of the present-moment conflict and into their backstory.
Attend to Their Perspective
Deeply listen to whoever you’re having the friction with. Attend to their perspective. It will de-escalate the conversation and help you empathize with them more completely.
Applying Grace: Seek to understand first. Ask curious, non-confrontational questions to draw out their reasoning:
"What makes you feel so strongly about this issue?"
"How has this impacted you personally?"
Acknowledge their feelings, even if you don’t agree with their conclusions:
"It sounds like this is something that’s really important to you, and I respect that. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Pass the cranberry sauce, please.”
Co-Create Solutions
In a complex, difficult conversation, once you’ve understood their perspective from deeply attending to it, it’s possible to find common ground or ways to move forward without division. This is also an opportunity to reconnect with step one: Grounding yourself and the Conversation in a shared Why. Reconnect to that why in any solutions you propose, or invite your partner to propose solutions that align with what they see as your shared why.
Applying Grace: Offer options grounded in a shared why, together
"I think we both want what’s best for [the country/our community]. We might have different ideas about how to get there, but that’s something we share."
“What do you think is the best way forward for us today, given that we agreed we don’t want to win this argument, and that we all want to have a great time as a family together?”
If it’s clear that agreement on the issues isn’t possible, suggest shifting the focus of alignment to something you both can value, like enjoying dinner together:
"I’d rather not let this issue get in the way of enjoying our time together today. How does that land with you?"
End With Commitments
The best movies have great endings that satisfy us deeply. Ending a conversation with “Well, let’s just agree to disagree.” or “well, it is what it is” doesn’t give us a very satisfying ending. Such endings are
“Thought-terminating clichés” which are part of the language of totalism. This kind of language ends thinking, feeling and humanity. It’s the opposite of a GRACEful ending.
Applying Grace: Find something, even something tiny, you can both align on.
Ending with commitments keeps the conversation grounded and meaningful. It’s how you make sure all that talking wasn’t for nothing—by agreeing on next steps, even if it’s just agreeing to revisit the topic later or agreeing that you both think differently. It leaves both participants feeling heard and respected, with a clear sense of where things go from here.
Saying:
"I’d love to understand your perspective more deeply when we’re both in a calmer setting. For now, let’s focus on enjoying dinner and catching up as a family.”
Such language connects us, and allows positive conversations in the future, rather than freezing it out.
Handling a Challenging Conversation with G.R.A.C.E. in a nutshell
If you’re feeling up to it, you can even use all five elements of GRACE in one elegant swoop:
Ground: "I know we both have strong feelings about [political issue], but I don’t want this to overshadow the holiday."
Right Channel: "This might be a better conversation for another time when we can really dive into it."
Attend: "When we have more time, I’d love for you to tell me more about why you feel this way—I want to understand your perspective."
Co-Create: "I think we both care about making the world better, even if we have different views on how to get there."
End: "For now, let’s focus on enjoying dinner and catching up as a family. Pass the cranberry sauce.”
Holiday dinners don’t have to end in frustration or silence!
Navigating difficult conversations doesn’t have to mean avoiding them or letting them escalate. With the G.R.A.C.E. framework, you can approach challenging conversations with thoughtfulness and empathy. When you slow down, choose your words carefully, and truly listen, you create space for understanding—even when you disagree. The goal isn’t to win an argument but to honor the relationships that matter most. With a little effort, you can keep the peace and keep the holiday spirit alive. Remember, the goal isn’t to win but to connect—and to leave the table with relationships intact and tupperware filled with leftovers.
If you’re still hungry for more tips, check out my 2022 essay on this same crucial question or check out my book, Good Talk.